I’ve had an epiphyllum – or an epitaph? No, that’s not it. I’ve had an epiphany!
Some years ago they who seek the bubble technology even in the cannon’s mouth persuaded me to ‘invest’ in a laptop (I could never reconcile the word ‘invest’ with the context of a computer because they depreciate at 100% the instant you buy them, making them about as sound a gamble as penny shares) ‘because’, they said; ‘look at the advantages’, they said; ‘you can take it anywhere’, they said; ‘you can work even when there’s no electricity, they…’ – well, you get the idea. I’m sure you’ve heard all these things too.
So, I invested.
And I tried hard. I really did.
But then I had my epidural – last week.
The result? I am sitting before it now. Be envious, all you less fortunate mortals! Be insanely jealous, as you squint down the tube at your fifteen inch screens and your 1.5 font size task bars – as you try to read ‘don’t add space before paragraphs of the same type’ or discriminate between ‘Find’, ‘Replace’, and ‘Select’! As you reach into your drawer once again for the magnifying glass in your hopeless quest for ‘Delete header/footer’ think of me and my twenty-seven inch – yes, twenty-seven inch – MONITOR! (Of course monitor – what do you think I was talking about? Oh, please!)
Yes, I’ve returned to the fold. I am working with a desktop PC once again, a wireless keyboard and mouse, and a screen large enough to serve dinner through. I have sufficient disc space for the archives of the National Library and a work screen so large I might need a small ladder to see the top, all for about half the cost of a new notebook. It is, although you might judge me guilty of understatement, colossal fantastic majestic superb spiritually fulfilling and just bloody marvellous!
I was getting to the point at which my lack of vision was getting in the way of my writing. Although I am a contact lens wearer I have always needed spectacles for close work and reading. Down the years my eyesight has deteriorated, aggravated by macular degeneration (for that fascinating whirlpool effect) until now, in spite of long range vision which is still good, I cannot read small print even with optical help. Imagine, then, what a pleasure it is to be able to write this with only my contacts to assist me.
I haven’t disposed of the laptop: no doubt I will still use it from time to time, especially because it carries all my music files. But as a working instrument it can offer no contest to my new prize. MF, as they say.
I abjure you all, follow my lead. Subject your laptops to a Ray Bradbury moment! Your eyes will thank you for it, and WordPress will be filled to overflowing. Enjoy your own, unrepeatable, Damascene experience.