by I have decided to become a Guru.
Wikipedia (who know about these things) define ‘guru’ as ‘a Sanskrit term that connotes someone who is a teacher, guide or master of certain knowledge’
Well, I can do that.
Here is my problem. All my life I have fairly effectively avoided the road to untold riches – not deliberately, and not, I like to think, for lack of talent; but because there were so many attractive diversions on the way. Do I regret that? I do not. Am I the richer for life’s experiences? Yes, I am.
Can you see where this is going?
In my ‘useful’ years I often wanted, but never needed money. I got by. Now that I am older and in my useless years, I want some. I need some. If I’m going to put up with all this other shit, illnesses and incapacities and failing this and falling that, I want to be rich. And I want to be venerated. I really do.
Now as far as I can see there are five roads to untold wealth.
I could have become a Captain of Industry.
At various stages of my life, I believe I tried this. I always relished the idea of turning the ship around (like the metaphor?), being rewarded with a huge bonus, then retiring to a far country before the flaws in my grand plan were discovered and my chickens (a metaphor’s not a metaphor until it’s mixed) came home to roost.
I could have been a footballer, married a ‘personality’ and misbehaved at parties. Obvious difficulty? I can’t play football – never could.
I could have been a Consultant. I have spent the greatest part of my life under the misapprehension that a Consultant is an acknowledged expert in his field. Untrue. A Consultant just has to make a few of the ‘right people’ believe he is an expert in his field. The rest is down to pure luck.
So perhaps the Great Adventurer was more my thing? Well, no. Not really. I could never see myself toughing it out in the unexplored jungle – all that dampness, all those bugs, and sleeping in a tent with an uninvited python: or in the freezing arctic gale, gamboling gaily on an ice flow with a playful polar bear. Sadly, adventure for me is diving perilously into the unknown aisles of Sainsbury’s in search of a grail of sugar. And even then, I wouldn’t consider it on a Saturday. I’d want to be home for the weekend – definitely.
Might I have been a Distinguished Surgeon? Leaving to one side my shaky hands, my very short temper and my even shorter attention span, could I have succeeded in the theatre of complex heart surgery, stooped above an inert, widely opened patient for many hours with a vast array of cutlery and an attentive crew at my every beck and call? “Nurse, could you just hang onto these forceps for a minute? I have to nip to the bathroom.” Wouldn’t work, would it?
I could have been a Best Selling Author? No, scrap that one.
So, since I am too old for any other option, I am adopting a late career move in which my age is a positive advantage. And I shall be distributing pearls of wisdom across the astral plane for you all to pluck and ingest at a bargain introductory offer price of $50.00 (£35 Sterling) per life-changing insight – all investments at this time to go towards the construction of my Mountaintop Retreat in West Yorkshire (easily reachable from several international airports and accessible from major cities, Manchester and Leeds).
Please feel free to come and help me build my temple to wisdom. Bring money.
Lovely offer, and I’m mighty tempted, but I can’t miss my exercise class on Thursday. Good luck!
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Thanks Yvonne! I do special discounts for Fridays?
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Sounds like you’ve chosen to be a consultant after all! 🙂
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A fundamental lack of useful knowledge and a limitless desire to share it. I was born for the work!
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A temple of wisdom at exactly the time our world needs it. Good of you to step up! As for riches, well … best of luck with that. 😉
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As a footnote – I have recently discovered I am not…how can I express this…of this world? Have you ever heard of the planet Zog?
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Perhaps they’d take Donald Trump off our hands?
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Hmm…I’ve still got some of those “useful” years left so maybe I should adopt some of your earlier ideas. I know!!! I can be your consultant for getting those pearls of wisdom off the ground 😀
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Thank you so much! I am going to need help – in fact, there are many who tell me I already do. How do you look in white robes?
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You? Help. NAH 😀 And hey, I can pull off white!
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I love it💕
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🙂
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Perhaps start with an advice column? Or as some kind of ghost whisperer/exorciser?
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Wow! This thing is growing!
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very funny!
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🙂
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No rich relatives you could bump off – as long as you are the main benefactor of course?
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There, you see – I’ve already been through the relatives. No credit left there, I’m afraid. Wait a minute, though…there is Uncle Jack. He’s got a parole hearing on Friday week….
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Thanks for the chuckle, Fred. I enjoyed your voice and your sense of humour. I feel wealthy on the days I laugh and give thanks a lot.
Blessings ~ Wendy
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Thank you, Wendy.
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I have started to think along these same lines. Even if my upcoming book sells, I won’t be Tom Clancy–I don’t have enough years left. Swami–I think you’re on to something.
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It’s very easy. Just compose a few catchy truisms; e.g. ‘A man on a river has more water than he can drink’, start a cheap line in t-shirts, and you’re in business!
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Haha 🙂 Well… you could have been a lot of stuff, but, like the rest of us… we just end up as stuff 🙂
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No regrets, ZQ. I’m well stuffed!
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Great initiative. All the best
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Thank you. I anticipate enormous success!
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🙂
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