This Christmas I completed my Christmas shopping without ever leaving my home. I have joined the millions of customers who buy most or all of their gifts on line. The variety of imaginative suggestions available on the Internet grows each year, the service gets better, the standards constantly improve.
It occurs to me I am missing out on an invaluable and character-building experience – a problem I must have in common with all my fellow net users. And since the Lovely Frederick Anderson Innovation Corporation (offshoot of Anderson Laundries*) is well placed to take advantage of any fresh marketing opportunity I now offer our new Premium Service:
Do you hanker after that buzz of the early morning bus service and the frenetic rush to be first at the Department Store doors? Are you feeling bereft of your overnight pre-sales camping out session, missing the communal misery, or nostalgic for the days when complete strangers would break down in tears on your shoulder?
JOSTLERS is for you!
INVEST NOW in our Boxing Day Sales package. Why wait for Boxing Day? Why suffer the frustration of the dawn queue on a far-off pavement? You can camp outside your own front door while you wait for that special postal delivery! With a little imagination JOSTLERS can add the true sales experience –
- 24 hour rental of impossibly small tent and camping stove.
- Free hosepipe with filter on ‘Driving Rain’ setting.
- Two bonus ‘Garrulous Drunk’ visits.
- Jostlers: Our qualified Jostlers are second to none in this trade. They will shoulder-charge, step on your feet and punch you in competition for your gift, whilst ensuring, of course, you always win in the end. Be sure to hire at least three for that genuine ‘feel’.
- Pocket Pickers – subject to availability: When free, ours are the best in the business. Apply for details of probation conditions, etc..
- Obnoxious Store Detective: we know you did not steal your own gift; you know it. Try to persuade our OSD your gift is a bona fide purchase. We have lawyers too!
- Rude Delivery Driver Amazon deliveries do not apply: Face down our late, intransigent drivers as they insist you sign for that tattered, pre-opened package! (Rates vary).
- Frederick Anderson Purchase Insurance: you may trust in our Company motto – ‘Always Undervalue, Never Pay Out’. Live once more the anger and frustration of that letter which insists your loss is due to ‘deliberate breakage’!
If you too are missing our traditional seasonal rush then join with us at Jostlers, Inc., in celebrating a joyous, old-style Christmas! Buy now for extra, generous discounts! And have a Merry Christmas!
See our website for a range of cheap Chinese combustible Christmas lights. Hurry while stocks last!
Jostlers, Inc. Accepts no responsibility for illness or injury brought about by the use of its products and services. Caveat emptor applies.
*Formerly named Anderson Laundries and Mortuary; the latter portion of the Company name has been dropped in accordance with customer sensibilities; A.L and M nevertheless remains the only Company to recognise the obvious connection between these two essential services.